Understanding Complicated Grief: When Healing Feels Out of Reach
By Don Crites
Grief is a normal and necessary part of life. When we lose someone we love—whether through death, estrangement, or sudden life changes—our hearts ache with longing, confusion, and sorrow. But what happens when the pain lingers far beyond what we expected? When the sadness doesn’t fade, and healing feels out of reach? This may be a sign of complicated grief.
What Is Complicated Grief?
Complicated grief is a form of prolonged, intense mourning that disrupts daily life and makes it hard to move forward. Unlike typical grief, which softens over time, complicated grief can feel like being stuck in a loop of loss. You might feel:
Persistent longing for the person who is gone
Guilt or shame about how the loss happened
Bitterness or numbness that doesn’t ease with time
Isolation, hopelessness, or spiritual disconnection
Complicated grief doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—it means something very painful happened, and your heart is still trying to make sense of it.
How Trauma Complicates Grief
In many cases, grief becomes complicated when trauma is involved. Sudden deaths, broken relationships, abuse, or unresolved conflict can leave the grieving heart with unanswered questions and overwhelming emotions. The nervous system can remain stuck in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, making it hard to feel safe, let alone hopeful.
And for those who have experienced spiritual trauma or distorted beliefs about God, grief may also come with confusion, anger, or fear about how to bring that pain into His presence.
A Grace-Based Approach to Healing
At Exchanged Life Christian Counseling, we walk with people through a biblical process called R.E.G.—Recognize, Engage, Grow. This framework offers a compassionate path forward for those who feel stuck in grief:
Recognize what your body and emotions are trying to tell you. Instead of ignoring or suppressing your feelings, we help you notice them with curiosity and compassion.
Engage with God in honest, relational connection. Through prayer, Scripture, and reflective conversation, we invite you to bring your sorrow into the light of His presence.
Grow in grace and truth as you begin to see your story in the context of God’s redemptive love. Healing may not mean forgetting—but it does mean walking in freedom rather than being bound by pain.
Try This: A Simple Lament
One way to begin healing is through lament—a form of honest prayer that gives voice to our pain while still reaching toward God. Scripture is full of laments, especially in the Psalms.
Here’s a simple structure you can use:
Address God honestly — “Lord, I’m hurting. I don’t understand why this happened.”
Name your grief — “I miss them so much. The silence feels unbearable.”
Express your questions or anger — “Why didn’t You stop this? Where were You?”
Invite God’s presence — “Please be near to me. I need to know You haven’t left.”
Affirm what you still believe (even if it’s just a whisper) — “I still believe You are good, even though I don’t feel it right now.”
Writing your own lament in a journal or whispering it in prayer can be a powerful step toward healing.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve been told to “just move on,” or you feel ashamed that you’re still struggling, please know this: complicated grief is real, and it doesn’t disqualify you from God’s comfort. Jesus wept at the tomb of His friend—and He meets you in your weeping, too.
Healing may take time. It may require revisiting painful memories and reexamining core beliefs. But you don’t have to do that alone.
If you're walking through a season of grief that feels unending, we invite you to consider discipleship counseling. Together, we’ll hold space for your sorrow, invite God into your pain, and gently move toward healing in a Christ-centered, grace-filled environment.
Learn more or schedule a session at www.christian-counseling.org.
